Another one bites the dust!
By Alexander Knightly (name changed for security reasons)
Depressive trend in the economy has passed on to the personal front as well. Yeah, all the guys are marching to their gallows in the name of marriage. This seems to be a pretty bad year, the end of which half the herd will be slaughtered and hung to dry. Never will humanity see such a large defection of their (pri) mates.
Species Biological Name: Primo Bacheloris
He loses all the divinity
and the pureness that bachelorhood provides him:
He can
- no longer gawk at beautiful women
- no longer live like a pig
- no longer go spend on friends (spending an entire month’s salary on clothes and shoes for the wife is considered legit though, in the annals of marriage)
- no longer own the remote
- no longer snore aloud, and sleep in the pub
- no longer pass crass remarks and be appreciated on it
- no longer burp/fart amongst friends and grin
I have often wondered, what clouds a primo bacheloris? I have narrowed it down to green house effect: the change in the earth's climatic scenario and the melting of the polar ice caps and one of the self-destructive goblins (in the body) that makes him do wild things like jumping off a cliff, bungee-jumping...only here he ventures into a land of no return.
Fun can be too good, and all good things that are overtly excessive can subscribe one to try and do the impossible, live the bachelor life with a wife(who ever invented her). The primate tests his footings and the committed life with a girl-friend, he is lured and convinces himself this is real thing and falls-in head first. In the end his seemingly invincibility does him in.
My compatriots are drummed to believe that marriage lets him:
1. Talk to a beautiful woman day in and day out (this being his wife)
Sure it’s great to talk with your boys 24/7 abouts sports and shittt, but 3 consecutive months of discussion on her friends, fashion and her perspective on driving/politics/sports can drive you nuts.
2. Keep check on his spending
Even though earlier the limit of expenses was his paycheck she will now burn a hole in his pocket, spending money on curtains and cute pillows that he cant even wipe his nose on.
3. Live a healthy life
Nobody to keep you from living like a pig is what they say. But what’s wrong in living like a pig ask? You are cosy; you do what you like, and remember they liked you as a pig. Did you ever wonder, once they clean you up and ring you no other girl ever looks you up? I would rather be a pig than an untouchable.
4. Home cooked meals
With a girl in your life you would end up spending 100£ on a homemade pasta, for all the ingredients which she will never use, and a washer fill of dishes and the kitchen for you to take care of once her deed is done, Whereas a pasta down the road would have cost you 5£. Do the math bro!
5. He will have someone to watch TV with
If your idea of a quality time is to watch soaps, sex in the city and talk about Sarah Jessica Parker and her new hairdo. What’s with watching sports, comment on all the beautiful newsreade
rs and get some world news on the side with beer...
6. You will have someone to snuggle with
Dude you are in for a ride, if you marry a girl who snores. You are done in...Besides do you buy the whole tobacco company if you feel like smoking cigarette?
I know I will be getting a lot of hate mails, but it’s all worth it. If i am able to save even one lost soul my efforts would be justified.
Please take a minute to observe silence as our dear brother Jesu is no longer going to be a bachelor. Let his soul rest in peace. We will pray for a slow torture as he continues life on the other side.
Amen!
